Verbal abuse is always unacceptable too. So are the Bullies now Even for Christians! verbal abuse by pastorS NOW ESPECIALLY TOO.
“This is from the book by Patricia Evans http://andthenshecried.wordpress.com/2008/02/05/the-verbally-abusive-relationship-how-to-recognize-it-and-how-to-respond
Verbal abuse is a kind of battering which doesn’t leave evidence like physical abuse does. However, it can be just as painful, and recovery can take much longer. The victim of abuse lives in a gradually more confusing realm. In public she is with one man, in private he becomes another. Often, for the verbally abused woman (man), there is no witness to her reality and no one to understand her experiences. Friends and family continue to see her ex, the abuser, as a really good guy and, certainly, he agrees with them. The verbal abuser, while maintaining his charm with others, always takes his abuse behind closed doors. It is a means of holding power over his wife( husband) /partner.. Many women and some men leave a marriage and come back into the singles’ world with the diminished self-esteem that comes from a verbally abusive relationship. The fact that many of these women (men) have never even realized that they were being abused, makes it easy for them to enter another abusive relationship. A verbal abuser is an insecure person and immature person who is looking for power and control over another.In order to help you recognize abuse, remember that all forms of verbal abuse are methods of manipulating you for the purpose of establishing power over you. The following are some of the forms of verbal abuse the author helps you recognize.
- Withholding: a purposeful, silent treatment.
- Countering: a countering of your ideas, feelings, and perceptions, even going so far as to refute what he misconstrues you to have said.
- Discounting–a putdown of you or something you hold dear.
- Blocking and diverting–this is a sneaky, covert way of violating your dignity.
- Accusation and blame: generally involves lies about the partner’s intentions, attitudes, and motives. The author states that accusation and blame is present in all verbally abusive relationships.
- Judging and criticizing: lies about your personal qualities and performance.
- Trivializing and undermining: abusive behavior which makes light of your work, your efforts, your interests, or your concerns. The abuser attempts to dilute meaning and value in your life. Undermining might occur when your partner laughs at you, for example, when you burn yourself cooking. It is also jokes at your expense. Undermining is occurring when you feel a “so-called joke” is mean rather than funny.
- Name calling: no one has a right to call you degrading names. Name calling is verbal abuse.
- Ordering: Telling you to do something, rather than asking, or making decisions for you or for the two of you without your input.
- Forgetting and denial: the trickiest form of denial is forgetting. Become aware that forgetting is a form of denial that shifts all responsibility from the abuser to some “weakness of mind.”
- Abusive anger: this seems to be closely linked to the need to “blow up,” to dominate, to control, to go one up, and to put down. Any time you are snapped at or yelled at, you are being abused.
- Threatening: Physical threats and sexual threats aside, verbal threats are an effort at manipulation. For example, a threat to leave, stay out all night, or take you home immediately is a manipulation for power. The threat of “pending disaster” is designed to shatter the partner’s serenity as well as her boundaries.
If you counter the abuser or attempt to explain yourself, you will probably be met with such statements as, “I don’t want to hear it, get out of my face” or “Woman you don’t have the brains“, “B” You shouldn’t have said that to me“.
f you are in a brand-new relationship and see warning signs of verbal abuse, the author suggests you might be wise to let the relationship go. It is not likely that a man (woman) who needs to dominate and control will change easily, if at all. It is also likely that when the newness of the relationship wears off, he will become more abusive. Verbal abuse can become physical in time and physical abuse is always preceded by verbal abuse, according to Evans.If you are in a long-term relationship, you can respond to the abuser as the book suggests and soon discover for yourself whether or not your mate is willing to change and stop his abusive behavior.
“If you have been verbally abused in your relationship, you may have discovered that explaining and trying to understand have not improved your relationship. Therefore, I recommend that you respond in a new way–a way that will make an emotional, psychological, and intellectual impact upon your mate.”
The abuser in your relationship may change when he finds that you do know when you are being abused, that you have set limits, that you mean what you say, and that you will not take behavior you don’t like.
If the man ( or sadly too often now a women) in your relationship remains abusive, it is not only not your fault,” but it is your responsibility to deal with it, make it public, call the police too.
Any person cannot still fight with you of you leave his or her presences, even forever.. and there is still a good life after a failed marriage now too. I practise what I preach and often now too.
SEE ALSO https://thefocusonthefamily.wordpress.com/2008/07/17/the-too-common-abusive-silent-treatment/
Great advice holmes. Unfortunately, many women (and in some cases men) are predisposed to seeking out partners who replicate behaviors they have experienced in the home. The diminished self of worth that early childhood abuse causes has the effect of re-wiring the brain to seek out this form of irrational attention. I am not blaming the victim. On the contrary, the victims are traveling on a learned trait trajectory. Educating these individuals is the only way to stop the cycle.
The first love is always the best one in our false pride.. and I know what that is like too.. WE REPEAT OUR BAD TASTE.. When they let a person out a prison they generally have a rule not to let them return to his old environment, PAST home, for five years.. otherwise they will be under the same old bad habits, dispositions too.. NOTE I lost once everything I had owned.. next I replaced it all with the same things, even though I never used most of them, old habits and bad tastes DO die hard still too for almost all of us.. BUT still reporting publically the abusers, and calling the POLICE TOO solves the abuse problem the best.. for if the evil persons do not feel real negative personal consequences, REAL negative public exposures, they really have no reasons to change their bad habits next and likely then never will. I expose bad people, bad churches, bad corporations often and do call the police often and demand they be put in jail too.
Truly any type of abuse is unacceptable and anywhere too
and exposing it loudly in public as well as calling the police is the best way to deal with it for everyone’s benefit, the abuser’s included.
God himself clearly does not accept verbal, physical, or human rights abuses
(Mat 18:6 KJV) But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.
(Mat 18:7 KJV) Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!
(Mat 18:8 KJV) Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.
No we ALL cannot STOP, take the ostrich approach under the guise of love to the definite bad acts of others, we as Christians are still called to be fruit inspectors of those who profess to be Christians ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY RARELY QUOTE IT in actual context OR LIVE THE BIBLE THEY CLAIM THEY BELIEVE IN-
(Gen 31:42 KJV) Except the God of my father, the God of Abraham, and the fear of Isaac, had been with me, surely thou hadst sent me away now empty. God hath seen mine affliction and the labour of my hands, and rebuked thee yesternight.
(Lev 19:17 KJV) Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him.
(Neh 5:7 KJV) Then I consulted with myself, and I rebuked the nobles, and the rulers, and said unto them, Ye exact usury, every one of his brother. And I set a great assembly against them.
(Psa 119:21 KJV) Thou hast rebuked the proud that are cursed, which do err from thy commandments.
(Prov 24:25 KJV) But to them that rebuke him shall be delight, and a good blessing shall come upon them.
(Prov 27:5 KJV) Open rebuke is better than secret love.
(Eccl 7:5 KJV) It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, than for a man to hear the song of fools.
(Mat 17:18 KJV) And Jesus rebuked the devil; and he departed out of him: and the child was cured from that very hour.
(Mark 1:25 KJV) And Jesus rebuked him, saying, Hold thy peace, and come out of him.
(Mark 4:39 KJV) And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.
(Mark 8:33 KJV) But when he had turned about and looked on his disciples, he rebuked Peter, saying, Get thee behind me, Satan: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but the things that be of men.
(1 Tim 5:20 KJV) Them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear.
(2 Tim 4:2 KJV) Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine.
(Titus 1:13 KJV) This witness is true. Wherefore rebuke them sharply, that they may be sound in the faith;
(Titus 2:15 KJV) These things speak, and exhort, and rebuke with all authority. Let no man despise thee.
(Heb 12:5 KJV) And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him:
(Rev 3:19 KJV) As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.
Too Many People are Evil, Mean
What happened to humanity…in my world? Common Profile of abusers:…
* Short temper, snaps at a moments notice. Becomes abusive, or violent fast.
* Can’t cope very well with life situations.
* Is cruel to animals, or young people.
* Denies that any abuse, or violent attack ever occurred, or blames others and the victim for the attack.
* Can’t take responsibility for their own abusiveness,violent actions.
* Low Self-esteem, but not always.
* Very insecure.
* Has a diabolic need for power and control over others.
* Threatens with more abusive acts,violence.
* Very jealous.
* Lies and Apologizes for their actions and begs for forgiveness, but still continues to abuse the victim.
* Needs to have power and control to compensate for their low self-esteem, or insecurities.
* Can be nice, witty, and funny, but there is a dark side and a history of violence and abuse.
* Criticizes others constantly: they can never do anything right.
* Puts-down others to lower their self-esteem to make themselves look good or feel good about themselves.
* Uses religion as an excuse to abuse others too. Men will never be “gods”. Men will never be profits to a higher being. Men are mortal not immortal (God the “higher” being would never approve of abuse).
* Reckless behavior (drives wildly to scare victim, personally uses drugs or drinks)
* Tendency to Drink and then gets violent.
* Abuser knows what they are doing, and still doesn’t see a problem with their actions.
* Carefully pre calculates what they want their victim to do, and how they will next control them.
* Makes up things or looks for things to jump start the abuse, or violence.
* Accuses others of being unfaithful, immoral when the abuser is the one being unfaithful, immoral
* Abusers often also stalk their victim: driving past their house, or shows up at odd hours of the night or by phone, or sending them absuive emails..
* Abuser lives to dominate and take away the rights of their victim.
Do you need help? Remember it is not your fault, it is your abuser that is the problem. There are people that can help. There is no excuse for domestic violence. There is no excuse for another person controlling another just because they can. Marriage is not an excuse for abuse. Religion is not an excuse for abuse. Men are not “gods”. Men are not immortal. If an abuser abuses once than chances are it could happen again, don’t let there be a next time get help. Only cowards abuse women. Call for help: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), Expose them , go public, and call the Police too.
>>I agree and YOU KNOW deep down that things are not right and something has to change. The real issue is. How strong are you? It takes so much courage and power to tell yourself that you need to make a change. Remember even though the abuser might make you feel like shit and not in control. YOU ARE IN CONTROL of your own life, your children’s lives and you owe it to yourself to be Happy as you DESERVE to be happy. To become happy, you will need to make a change, because you can’t expect things to be different without change. Eliminate the problem Believe me, it’ll be a long and very painful road, but worth it tenfold and looking back I wish I would’ve done it sooner and wonder what happened to me to have let someone treat me like I have been. You deserve to be happy and safe.
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(1 Pet 3:7 KJV) Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
All lusts, rape, adultery, sex outside of marriage, per the Bible now too, is immoral, unacceptable, and was well all human rights abuses are also still unacceptable, whether it is verbal, physical.. God never approves of it neither should any of us.. the public exposure and prosecution of the bad persons serves everyone’s best interest next too.. being kind, nice to bad guys is a waste of time, for they will not change unless they themselves experience real, negative, personal appropriate consequences .. we need to hate all evil, all abuses and to be angry at it too.. we can use the whip to deal with it like Jesus did to chase out the money lenders, commercial business in the temple.. Some persons would say that many homosexuals are violent and sexually deviant, but would rather point out that most of the violent, sexual deviants are heterosexual men harming women, you’re charged with getting off-topic, but one still can add the reality that anyone who files for divorce, male or female is also a sexual deviant.. according the Bible. In reality all men and women are still born and do act as equal sinners. And thus all sins and abuses need to be presented honestly, fairly and equally too and not just as one side bashings.. even in the churches now too.
What do you do about a mother who is suffering from a bad Oedipal Rex complex?
I for sure would not refer her to Freud… but to God and the Bible..
Sin is also doing anything outside of the will of God, as even defined clearly wrong in the Bible.. or by the Spirt of God…
anyay our flesh and it’s desires are corrupted, evil and so is giving into to it’s desires now too..
Even merely doing your own thing itself is a sinful act that needs to be repented of, the related demon cast out likley too… and told where to go as well.
(Luke 4:8 KJV) And Jesus answered and said unto him, Get thee behind me, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve.
(Luke 4:4 KJV) And Jesus answered him, saying, It is written, That man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of God.
(Luke 4:12 KJV) And Jesus answering said unto him, It is said, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God.
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It has been very interesting to me that some of the biggest alcoholics and false proponents of ALCOHOL now are Ministers themselves.. and what else do they do? tax evasions, adultery, divorce, slander, gossip, no wonder in my own real personal experiences the last 5 decades too that 70 percent of the pastors are ungodly, immoral still and undeniably very very few people respect them anymore for what they do and say.
It is often also non surprising to me that people who are closed to be led by the Holy spirit, to Pentecostalism, tongues would prefer the demonic spirit of drunkenness.
No other issue tends to divide the church and evoke as much deep seated emotion as the question of alcohol, but only for the alcoholics now too, for in general, is itself a false statement.. for clearly the issue of gay marriages, but note esepcially speaking in tongues, Baptism of the Holy Spirit, and Healing, gifts of the Holy spirit, impartation, cause more discussions and oppositions too, as the Anglican Church splits, and as the latests net exposes about the Todd Bentley Florida revival has clearly shown
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IT IS NOW MORE RARE BUT I DO ALSO NOW STILL GET BULLIED BY RELIGIOUS BULLIES, ABUSERS TOO.. not just by the past bad cops
The WRONGFULLY STILL Unrepentant bully’s problem is that he or she is one of those bad persons who only feels truly alive when voicing hostility and contempt for his “enemies.” Without that, he or she starts gasping for air. It’s his nature.. self-destructive” .. clearly these immoral Bully, Basher of others, Abusers of others has a disappointed, deflated ego, negative self worth, most likely related to past unresolved guilt, as a result of that the bully, he or she, tries falsely to build their ego up by bashing, hating others, by being an antagonists against his proclaimed enemies, which too often also is most people , for he or she no longer trust anyone, and Abusers this is a common very typical approach, fact in the character build up of Bullies, Bashers, but their approach is futile, the subsequent feeling of self worth dissipates too quickly, are actually replaced by guilt, and his ego, self worth likely needs to be recharged with new hate.. and is replaced with more and larger hatred of the others. I have seen this type of wrong behavior not just in bad managers, bad politicians, bad persons, but in alcoholics, and most often in Albertan rednecks ,but also in religious fundamentals evangelicals who promote hated towards Pentecostal Christians as well, and now as well as the crooked pastor wrongfully fighting for control over others. Public exposure and prosecution of these bad persons here too services everyone’s best interest.
IT IS NOW MORE RARE BUT I DO ALSO NOW STILL GET BULLIED BY RELIGIOUS BULLIES, ABUSERS TOO.. not just by the past bad cops
The WRONGFULLY STILL Unrepentant bully’s problem is that he or she is one of those bad persons who only feels truly alive when voicing hostility and contempt for his “enemies.” Without that, he or she starts gasping for air. It’s his nature.. self-destructive” .. clearly these immoral Bully, Basher of others, Abusers of others has a disappointed, deflated ego, negative self worth, most likely related to past unresolved guilt, as a result of that the bully, he or she, tries falsely to build their ego up by bashing, hating others, by being an antagonists against his proclaimed enemies, which too often also is most people , for he or she no longer trust anyone, and Abusers this is a common very typical approach, fact in the character build up of Bullies, Bashers, but their approach is futile, the subsequent feeling of self worth dissipates too quickly, are actually replaced by guilt, and his ego, self worth likely needs to be recharged with new hate.. and is replaced with more and larger hatred of the others. I have seen this type of wrong behavior not just in bad managers, bad politicians, bad persons, but in alcoholics, and most often in Albertan rednecks ,but also in religious fundamentals evangelicals who promote hated towards Pentecostal Christians as well, and now as well as the crooked pastor wrongfully fighting for control over others.
Public exposure and prosecution of these bad persons here too services everyone’s best interest.
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